Fondue Network International

Die Fussballklubs Melbourne Victory, Storm und Melbourne FC haben sich zu Weihnachten ein neues Stadion gewünscht. Die viktorianische Regierung hat sich zum Samichlaus erhoben und baut jetzt ein Stadion. Es herrscht nun aber dicke Luft über Melbourne, weil sich die Klubs ein riesiges Stadion wünschen, während der Samichlaus nur ein grosses, nicht ein riesiges Stadion bauen will. Wenn man mal den kleinen Finger gibt… Robinson meint zu wissen, dass hier eh keiner wirklich Fussball (im Sinne von Soccer) guckt, und der Bau des grossen Stadions nur ein Wahlkampf-Gag der Regierung ist, um ein paar Wähler am Rand der Gesellschaft abzuholen.

A Sudanese refugee was bashed up in Parramatta lately. After Tamworth rednecks and Sydney metropolitan shock jocks whipped up anti-Sudanese sentiments (aided by the unfortunate fact that the man who was found guilty by a Victorian court of having raped three women happened to be Sudanese), this does not really come as a surprise. What did come as a surprise was this laconic news read on Channel Ten, where they said police re-enacted the Parramatta bashing in the hope of jogging witnesses’ memories. Robinson scratches his head: «Another bashing… A bashing with good intentions at least.»

Another strange story was heard on ABC local radio with Virginia Trioli. A group of medicos, called the Perth Group, claims HIV/AIDS does not exist, or at least that there is no connection between having HIV and AIDS. People who had unprotected sex although they knew they had the virus use the group’s «findings» as a defence before court. The group has even been able to get South African President Thabo Mbeki to question whether AIDS exists. «What a great contribution to Africa’s prevention efforts», Robinson thinks sarcastically.

And then Qantas: Today they apologised for showing a censored version of the movie The Queen. Their international film distributor had bleeped the word «God» – apparently a new staff member regarded it as a swearword. Robinson declines to comment… – … «Muwahahahahaaaa!»

…, according to Brisbane radio station 4BC, in the US has been the Australian Open. Where, it has to be noted, Roger Federer was shining again. As Robinson used to say: «The others are quite feder too, but Roger is even federer!»

In Australia, Internet surfers hoped to find information about Myspace, eBay, games, Runescape, White Pages and Christmas. «As if you would google for that stuff!», Robinson exclaims. Apart from «games» and «Christmas», you would assume that it is quite obvious where to surf to get onto Myspace, eBay, Runescape and the White Pages. Robinson theorises: «If we take human rationality for granted, the only reasons for such search strings to be typed into Google would be that people did not want to access the respective websites, but rather wanted to get third-party information and/or opinions about the websites. This suggests a general distrust in how these companies do business.» Though Robinson has to admit it is more plausible just to assume surfers are not rational or lack the imagination to find the most basic commercial sites without Google.

However, Robinson would like to add that he is convinced the weekly results only reflect reality after the exclusion of search terms like fuck, tits, pussy, prick, cunt, dick, slut, whore and so on. He would like to apologise to all the masturbating surfers who have clicked on this blog searching for fucks, tits, pussies, pricks, cunts, dicks, sluts and whores without finding what they were after. But thanks for the clicks anyway.

Robinson lately felt he had to voice his protest against the US detention camp at Guantanamo. Of course it’s already too late and this single instance of protest does not change a thing. But rather a protest too late and in vain than no protest at all, he thought.

Robinson finds it quite easy to summarise what’s wrong with Guantanamo: People are being jailed and treated harshly (some would call it torture, but Robinson decides to avoid judgemental terms this time) for several years without being convicted – indeed without even being tried for any crimes. Even if you don’t give a crap for international law (and, quite frankly, the current US administration doesn’t), any person with a sense of justice and decency would be shocked at what is happening. Of course the Taliban are dick-heads. And if they get a fair trial, they deserve appropriate punishment. And Robinson would like to add, that in civilised nations, appropriate punishment does NOT include torture or the death penalty.

Of course, Robinson acknowledges, there are many dark places in the world. People are being unfairly treated every minute of the day. Children are dying because they cannot get enough food to survive. And yes, it’s not all the fault of the US Government. But if a nation claims leadership status among other nations in the world, people can expect more consideration than is currently shown by the President and his ministers.

But Robinson refuses to plunge himself into anti-Americanism: How much will human rights count once communist China will have taken over the guard of world peace? How many million people would suffer if the Russians had won the Cold War? No way, Robinson does not want to replace one tyranny with another. At least, the American people will be able to voice their protests as well – at the ballot box. Until this happens, Robinson appeals to his readers to support Amnesty International as much and whenever they can.

By the way, what a joke is this: Philip Ruddock is apparently a member of Amnesty. Yes, THAT Philip Ruddock, the same Australian Attorney-General who has never appealed to the US Government to release Australian David Hicks, who has been held in Guantanamo since January 2002 WITHOUT TRIAL, yes, even WITHOUT A CHARGE. Hicks is apparently just guilty. Not according to the law of course, but according to…well whoever arrested him and decided to let him rot in the dungeon.

Another story is that of Adel Hamad. See for yourself.

I actually intended to get over this rational/irrational thing and stop writing about how stupid superstition is. But this video… You just have to love it! Uri Geller and Peter Popoff make real fools of themselves here.

Whom would you believe more? The rednecks here:

Or Tourism Australia in this one (this is actually the original):

Here’s another spoof:

And finally, some Kiwis have tried the same. This rhymes with ‘lame’:

Robinson felt a bit guilty after his last post, especially the part about religion. Of course he just said the obvious, but that wouldn’t save him from responses raving about intolerance and heresy. Maybe some would believe he is obsessed by the Devil. But Robinson is not really anti-religious. He’s not a believer, true, so Osama or other grinning idiots may call him an infidel. But really, Robinson is just anti-problems, anti-violence, and pro-rationality. There are even aspects of religion he supports. Two aspects, to be precise. One is hope. The other is charity.

Hope. There is a family from Rwanda. The family is in reality a community of three siblings and one cousin. The oldest of the siblings has taken on the role of mother for the others. That started ten years ago, when the oldest was just 16 years old. She became the «mother» of the others, because their real mothers and fathers were killed in the genocide. The family members told Robinson: «We love God. He has a plan with us. All our family was killed, and without us, our line would die. But God had mercy and saved us. How can we doubt that He loves us?» Not in his wildest dreams, Robinson could imagine telling these people there is no God who loves them. That the world is cold and does not really care about their fate. That there is no special plan out there for them. That it was just lucky they survived, but nothing to be grateful for. He would never, ever say that. Robinson welcomes the kind of hope religion gives these poor traumatised people. Hope that allows them to keep on going in their life and turn it into something positive.

Charity. Many charities that effectively help people who are in misery have been initiated through religion. The Salvos, many medical and educational institutions, Caritas etc. Let’s also note the progress made in the fight for debt relief for the least developed countries: A lot of it was thanks to successful lobbying by churches all over the world. That’s quite alright.

However: Many churches also lobby for violence, oppression, intolerance and irrationality. Some evangelists, such as the Christian Broadcasting Network’s Pat Robertson, are calling for the assassination of Venezuela’s elected leader Hugo Chavez. Some religious leaders, such as the most senior Australian Muslim, Sheikh Taj el-din Al Hilaly, justify rape by basically saying women who do not walk around in modest clothes are «asking for it». Also, I once heard a radical Christian say: «The Holocaust was God’s punishment for the killing of Jesus.» And then, there has also been, for many years, the issue of the Catholic Church not allowing people to use condoms in order to avoid the spread of Aids. The list could be extended much further. Here in Australia, the Exclusive Brethren are another religious group which Robinson would prefer for it not to exist.

The question is not just, whether the positive points about religion could offset the negative ones. Robinson thinks the best thing would be to just be rational and with good intentions. Charity doesn’t need God. And whether you can have hope depends more on yourself and the good will of people, rather than on supernatural forces. But Robinson admits: As long as you’re a nice person, you don’t need to lose your religion. Just don’t take yourself and your god so damn serious. Rather, have a look here if you’re open-minded.

Today Robinson saw a documentary on SBS about the Nazi organisation SS. The head of the SS at the site of history’s most unspeakable atrocities, Auschwitz, wrote a letter to his kids: «When you pray to God in the evenings, please also ask Him to watch over me.» A religious person is thus in no way by definition a good person.

Quite often, Robinson is amazed about how contentious some seemingly simple and clear issues can be. For instance he just cannot understand, how a grown-up woman can keep a straight face saying she believes in a god, just as some kids say they’ve been visited by Santa Claus. He finds it immature and ridiculous to assume anything of this sort exists. Of course there are things that we cannot explain with current science, he admits. But asking questions like «Who initiated the Big Bang» (suggesting it was God) does not lead any further than to the next question: «Who created God?» (suggesting it was man and his imagination). It is so bloody plausible to assume there is no god, and so incredibly far-fetched to say there is one – Robinson should really be in the majority.

Just as our immigrant is about to drift into the issue of terrorism and religion-induced conflict, he comes up with another example of a dispute not really worth the argument: How can a grown-up man say there is no such thing as climate change. Or seriously deny that human activity has anything to do with it. «Come on!», he thinks, «it’s not a question of belief. It’s just a fact, a piece of general knowledge. Nothing we need to argue about.» But apparently, there are some who seek the argument, some who dispute what everyone else takes for granted.

«Oh no!», Robinson goes, «am I becoming a censor, not accepting other people’s opinions? Would I be a cruel dictator, if I had any power?» Well, he thinks, it’s not worth worrying about, because he is not yet in charge of leading a nation. And he never gets aggressive if someone dissents. Just, he thinks it’s a waste of precious time when people argue against the obvious and in favour of the highly improbable. He suspects that this annoying behaviour is a way of lying to oneself, of avoiding to acknowledge inconvenient truths.

Lately, a man tried to board a Qantas flight from Melbourne to London. He had all the necessary paperwork, and carried no dangerous items. Apart from a t-shirt. One that depicted George W Bush with the words «World’s #1 Terrorist». Although the t-shirt stated the obvious, Qantas did not allow the man to enter their plane. They alleged the t-shirt had the «potential to offend» other passengers and «threaten the security of a Qantas group aircraft». «Come on», Robinson goes again. «You can’t be serious! Apart from the fact that it’s only a freaking t-shirt – which has no potential to pose a threat to anyone or anything really – who would deny that the current American President is a threat to world peace, stability and progress? That he’s an irrational … well, person … who is serious about his version of God.» This is roughly the line of Robinson’s thoughts. And he adds: «Even if the t-shirt contained something ridiculous, say, George’s picture and the text «Greatest world leader ever», the t-shirt bearer should be allowed to express his opinion. Even on a Qantas plane.

«Actually that’s quite a funny idea», Robinson concludes. How about creating a t-shirt with Mr Bush’s face and the words «Greatest world leader ever»? Clearly, everyone would see the irony in this. And we could put Qantas to the test: Will they refuse access to their plane because of that? «Keep me updated once you’ve tried it out», says Robinson.

Robinson, who is perfectly aware of the difficulties of having two souls, is worried. He cannot get his head around the fact that the world has become unreal. Let him first explain, what he’s on about: «There is an ideal, or, let’s say, a theoretical world», he starts explaining, already hearing the first yawns through the Internet wires. Ignoring the yawns, he continues: «In the ideal world, you have managers, who hire the most suitable staff for roles they must supervise. Those managers negotiate with the job applicants the terms of the work relationship, such as salaries, working hours, duties and entitlements.»

Robinson takes a deep breath. «I have come to accept that the world is not ideal. The world is real. And in reality, managers hire mates. Or wives, or relatives», he says. «Mates, husbands and relatives, as opposed to the most suitable applicants. That’s the way it works in the real world», he says, adding in a more hopeful tone: «At least most of the time, though there are some real-world managers, who have the courage to hire outside their circle of friends and relatives. This way, they prove they have understood the theory of ideal human resourcing. These heroes of management turn some theory into practice.» Robinson finds that hiring mates is «not ideal, but at least it works out in the real world more or less, most of the time.»

But lately, he came across a situation he is convinced will not work out. «It is a further step away from the ideal, a step that crosses the border to the sphere of the unreal». The situation he refers to is the following: A certain Eddie McGuire, of Channel Nine fame, is hiring himself. As the CEO of the Aussie TV station, he has been responsible for filling the position of MQS (Master of Quiz Show), who will host a new show called 1 versus 100. In an ideal world, Eddie would have decided to employ a new talent, who may or may not revolutionise TV quizzes. In the real world, Eddie would hire his wife. But he has entered the spooky world of the unreal and hired himself. «This man must have negotiated his pay with himself», Robinson exclaims, «and if he does not deliver the ratings agreed upon, he will have to sack himself.»

A shiver runs down Robinson’s spine, when he tries to imagine the dialogues Eddie must have had with himself. He must have looked in the mirror, maybe while shaving, and told himself: «Eddie, I have pondered over this quite some time, and decided that you’re the most suitable candidate. I am pleased to offer you the job!» Hearing this, Eddie (the MQS candidate), would get a shaky hand and cut himself with the shaver. He would reply to Eddie (the CEO) in a higher pitch: «Oh gee, that’s marvellous! Thank you, of course I accept». And then he would again change into the boss voice, with another firm stroke with the shaver, and say: «That’s settled then. I will advise HR to draw you up a contract. Come, I’ll buy you a coffee, mate». «Cheers,» he would answer himself, gratefully.

The sacking, or, to use a famous alleged Eddieism, the boning dialogue would be even more scary. «No», says Robinson. «Let’s keep it real. Hire mates.»

…ist ein Spruch, der Robinson immer wieder hilft, sich lächelnd über Unzulänglichkeiten des modernen Lebens hinweg zu trösten, weil er nämlich weiss, dass er das moderne Leben um nichts auf der Welt umtauschen möchte mit irgend einem anderen Leben. Gerne würde er sich zwar mal eine Zeitreise buchen, und, sagen wir, je einen Monat in der Steinzeit, bei den Pfahlbauern, bei den Römern, im Mittelalter, bei Schakespeare, in der Aufklärung, und vielleicht noch im 19. Jahrhundert verbringen. Das läge schon drin, wenn es denn technisch möglich wäre. Aber auf das alles würde sich unser Abenteurer nur einlassen, solange eine Garantie auf Rückreise besteht. Wenn also die Waschmaschine Mätzchen macht und nicht will wie Robinson, und Robinson daraufhin mit dem Gedanken spielt, das Ungetüm aus dem Fenster zu schmeissen, dann denkt er: «Früher war alles besser», lacht, und schmeisst das Elektro-Biest doch nicht aus dem Fenster, weil er weiss, dass er besser dran ist mit einer Waschmaschine als ohne. Früher, als es keine Waschmaschinen gab, war nichts besser und alles schweinemühsam. Obwohl er in der Vergangenheit als Mann eh nicht in Kontakt mit Hausarbeit gekommen wäre, was ja eigentlich wieder für die Vergangenheit spricht. Womit wir beim eigentlichen Thema angekommen sind: Konservatismus und die Medien. Auf den beiden grossen aufpeitsch-Radiokanälen in Sydney, 2GB und 2UE, wird stets der Niedergang beklagt: Hier führen sich die Jugendlichen ungezogen auf, da ist die Kriminalität so viel höher als früher, in jenem Quartier hat es fast nur noch Moslems, die sich nicht ans Gesetz halten, und dort drüben sind afrikanische Flüchtlinge, die Krankheiten einschleppen. All dies wird natürlich nie mit Fakten und Zahlen hinterlegt – eigene Kindheitserinnerungen werden ja wohl noch objektiv genug sein. Für Robinson ist klar: Er lebt lieber heute, wo es ihm und seinen Zeitgenossen beider Geschlechter überlassen ist, wie sie ihr Leben gestalten. Ob und wann und wen sie heiraten und für wie lange. Ob und wann sie Kinder kriegen. Wie sie ihre Rollen aufteilen. Ob sie jemals in die Predigt gehen wollen. Wo ein Blog-Eintrag potenziell die Welt verändern kann. Wo trinkbares Wasser fliesst, wenn man den Hahn aufdreht. Leute, die nach mehr Vergangenheit rufen, zeigen nur, dass die Gegenwart für sie zu unübersichtlich geworden ist. Das kann Robinson nachvollziehen, aber es ändert nichts daran, dass die Vergangenheit, nach der sich die Leute sehnen, ein Hirngespinst ist. Nostalgie ist ein Luxus mit dem man keine Probleme löst.